Don’t Look Back

Words to live by, Gentle Reader.  Orpheus didn’t listen and look what happened to him.  I’m not sure exactly why it is better to keep going without looking over one’s shoulder once you’ve embarked on the journey, but from personal experience I can say it is so.

The days melt into each other around here.  All the things I meant to write about recently:

-The smoke trees appearing by the river and in clumps among willows and oaks, with their diaphanous rose fire color.

-The goats, of course.  The babies on the main road discovered a tipped over stock tub last week and the triumphant climbs! The racket inside!  Our older goat friends, the Chub Group, have full beards and longer horns now and as they lounge around their yard or equably share paper bags between them they are indeed splendidly parliamentary.

-It’s hot again, which on the positive side means we can hang laundry on the line to dry instead of trekking into the dreaded laundromat.  Yesterday’s foray into clean clothes was rendered quite exciting indeed, first involving disrupting a frog household atop the washer.  While I was trying not to step on any frogs, Tyrant came zooming around the yurt at eye level, making full bore hummingbird buzz sounds and facing me so his red gorget was right in my nose.  For some odd reason I thought “ambulance? fire engine?” at first and then got to wonder for the rest of the day if I haven’t totally lost it at last.  Instead, I’m just being bossed around by birds, since it was his subtle way of telling me the feeder was empty.  FINE.

-The green of the trees is unbelievable and changing by the moment.  But at the beginning, the green on the new oak trees is sublime, unimaginable really.  Indescribable, like being in the middle of a big green heart.  You can feel it in the dark too, underneath the sky which seems more full of stars than ever lately.  Also, there’s an owl.

However, about not looking back.  I suppose it may be a big part of being in the “now”, ?.  I had to give many of my plants away when we came here, and was a bit taken aback when I saw the orchids a few days ago at the friend’s where they now live.  They were blooming, spectacularly, and the chartreuse one, which was always my favorite, looked amazing.  I burst into tears, and it all really hurt.  A lot. Even though I couldn’t really put words to the pain.

Life is full of loss, but you can’t focus on that.  What’s gone is gone.  What is, is.  That’s pretty much it, and if you’ve got anything to do in your life that’s pretty basic operating system.  It takes energy to maintain focus, and wisdom to maintain balance.  So if lately I’ve been feeling like an exhausted dumbbell, that’s just part of what IS.   Things are fitting together more, at the same time, and perhaps the only comfort is looking at what I’ve managed to accomplish in the ongoing Whole Catastrophe.  And the way I can look at that is to look at what I’m actually doing NOW. This puts the past where it belongs, really: In the past.   It’s hard to describe this sensation of flux; it’s like waking up every day a different shape and finding out what that does.  As long as I can stay “in” that, I’m ok.  But when things creep in from the past and say, hey! remember how it USED to be?, it still gets pretty wobbly.

When I think about the complexity of being human and living, along with how “simple” it is in essence (in terms of if you really live by “do no harm”, things are much more straightforward), I wonder how any of us make it at all.  Everyone is moving at their own pace, subject to their own pressures and elations, and we’re all doing it at the same time, and sometimes?  The directions get a bit switched around and oppositional and then?  There is inharmoniousness!  The ability to navigate through this comes with time and a lot of practice- it has to be second nature and not something you look back to remember.   You have to be able to let go of a lot of stuff, on the spot.  How important is this? What really needs to be done?  Where is the truth of the situation instead of the glamour?

Confucius said comparisons are odious, and at times I agree.  Comparisons place things squarely in the field of opposites and that isn’t always the way it is.  One person’s story, although they think it is truth, may be just a figment of their developing issues.  People have all sorts of ideas about who and what they are.  They’re just not always true.   What is true, perhaps, is that the more you learn, the more there is to know and the more you realize you don’t know much at all.  Every life skill you master leads to another level of difficulty needing to be learned about.  I guess the thing of it is to greet it with joy and acceptance; I think you see more clearly when you’re not compressed and afraid, in any event.

In that spirit, I’m going to continue my epic Bring Feng Shui To The Yurt efforts.  Back to sorting boxes in the storage shed, one more time.

2 responses to this post.

  1. All events that can occur, do occur, and are actually in a state of occurrence simultaneously. So our reality is merely a stream of snapshots in perception where events already in occurrence come into focus one after another. Like a camera panning from one end of a panoramic view, that is our existence, to the other.

    Which means “time” doesn’t really exist, a loss is a construct, comparisons are irrelevant, and looking back won’t stop the future any more than the present as it too is already occurring. Our camera hasn’t panned to it yet.

    The atoms that make up the molecules in your body, the air, the frogs, the hummingbirds, the trees, the planet itself are all recycled from a star that existed previously that went nova. The left over gasses and debris congealed via gravity to create a proto-planetary disk that collapsed in time to form the star we call the Sun and the solar system.

    In fact, scientists believe that all the material that make us up have been recycled this way as many as 3 times over since the birth of the universe.

    The plants you gave away are probably still doing very well, in which case, they will continue to utilize this ancient material which in turn will give birth to more orchids, people, owls and frogs.

    The End is merely the feed matter for another Beginning.


  2. Thank you!
    And, while one knows this, as the possessor of a human heart and those extra little crinks that came along with this particular configuration of dust, at times perhaps it is the sensation of being in one of those revolving door thingy’s (do they even exist anymore?) that gives one a bit of a sinking feeling. The ribbon candy sense of time is easier to deal with somehow. HOWEVER. I did see an absolutely spectacular little bronze hummingbird yesterday- evidently, Tyrant’s mate- who just sat next to me on the deer fence while I watered the garden. Clear example of stardust at work. It’s good there are such reminders.


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