Of Frogs and Forgiveness

Oh, Gentle Reader.  I think I’ll start with the frogs.  They’re the easiest.

We have become a household of six! The two of us, the two parrots, and now? Two frogs.  They have taken residence in an empty ice cube tray and when they’re both sitting in their respective “cubes” it seems very much like a condo.  They go hunting about 3 am and make an incredible din, especially considering how tiny they are.  They jump on plastic bags, on the side of the metal tub, flap up against the wall of the yurt- as though they’re doing hand springs.  I’m listening for tiny yee-haws at this point.  It took a bit of house hunting for them, apparently, because at the beginning of their stay we’d find one in the toilet, say, or in the bucket we use to fill our evaporative cooler with water.  The ice cube tray seems to suit them perfectly, however.  Their poop, by the way, is VERY tiny.  We’re also surrounded by lizards who we can now see in lines in the garden, just waiting for the next hatch of grasshoppers.  Evidently lizards are prone to time to time overdoing:  the other day one found and ate an entire potato bug and then was so full he couldn’t move at all for quite some time.     Finally he probably was able to belch and move on.  So, it’s an exciting life.
And, actually, it is.  At the end of a period of time in which we leapt into a situation about which we knew nothing given the press of events, and during which ALMOST everything that could go wrong did so with gusto, and it was ALWAYS either freezing or 198 degrees- at the end, as I say, of this time period we both find ourselves feeling like we got stuck in a strange wormhole and where the bloody hell are we now?  Everything has changed and we really are in a “new world” and..it is quite something to really not know what is going to happen.  Not at all.

We’ve entered this place without the things we used to think were normal to have, and that’s been OK for the most part.  It’s alot more work on every level, and also?  It’s something that if you haven’t experienced it yourself, you probably don’t really believe.  It can make talking to people who are firmly entrenched in things as they seem to be almost impossible.  So it is that the topic of forgiveness has reared its’ unresolved head.

What I finally learned, of course, is that forgiveness, like any healing, is something you have to do for yourself.  You have to begin by forgiving yourself.  Forgiving yourself for doubting yourself, for accepting what was wrong, for allowing yourself to have been sidetracked by things not well understood to the point where you spend years in the jungle just trying to find your way out.  People’s opinions of you, for example.  Judgements.  The draconian and disregarded absolutes of right and wrong.  You have to forgive yourself for all the times you caused hurt and harm, all the times you refused to do the right thing for whatever reason, all the embarrassing things that make you wince even today.

I “got” this at the point of a really almost unbearably painful encounter with someone with whom I have not been able to …..to? Reach real understanding.    Even after giving it multitudes of the repeated old college try.  Then I realized that all this time, as usual, that old Einsteinian definition of crazy has been at work.  You want something, you try to get it, you think the situation itself is going to change and you keep showing up expectantly.  But it isn’t.  Going to change, that is.  So you have to forgive, which means once and for all really letting go of ALL of the Very Important Story.  The truth, and just the truth, must be told and as we all know sometimes that is messy.  The pot and the kettle are generally the same color.  And further knowing that all beings just want to be happy, then your heart squeezes and wriggles and the old scars hurt and you wonder what to do.  Further, taking into account Nietszche’s aphorism- what doesn’t kills us makes us stronger, it can get to the point where you really just have to set it all down for a while.  It’s hard to know just where one gets off track- but quite often it was right there at the beginning.

SO.  Taking this in conjunction with a rather….er…otherworldly experience I had the week BEFORE all this happened, it may now produce a moment where at long last I have grown up a bit.  Or something like- amazing how long it can take to see what you’re looking at and accept it.  It has all really made me think even more about how it is we grow and change, how we really don’t know and spend so much time acting as though we do….instead of starting from kindness and going from there.  Which however much I may feel like just slapping the daylights out of somebody, is really the only way.
I’ve always been a bit hidden, fearful, in combination with the bull in china closet aspect of the other part of me. (How did  that work? It’s complicated.)  I had to realize I actually let someone else contribute greatly to that happening.  I allowed another person to put me into fear, which has lasted for far too long.  And I can actually stop doing that.  So although I have absolutely no idea how to proceed from here, it feels better and seems more straightforward.  We’re on this ride- we may as well take it and remember to enjoy all of it whatever the difficulties.

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