Oh, boy

Well, Gentle Reader.  WELL.  We’re embarking on yet another journey of exploration of a previously unknown circle of hell.  Which is to say, expanded promotion of self and skills.  Again we find we don’t have a picture of ourselves for yet another profile, and coming up with catchy tag lines can be a bit of an endurance test, but needs must to keep moving forward with the demands of keeping bodies and souls together.

Things are getting clear on some levels, and not others.  Lately I’ve been reading bloggers on depression and what not, and finally, FINALLY, was able to connect a few dots.   I’ve been clinically depressed my entire life, is what I realized.  (Not a minute too soon….) It is a difficult row to hoe, let’s just say.  But one thing it has done is allowed me to develop an almost super human ability to pick myself up by my shirt collar, walk myself around the room til I come to, and then go and do something.   (Which lead, basically, to my extended tussle today with gravatars, avatars, skill sets and all the rest of it.  Wheel spinning, or? Time will tell. ) This may account for the largish variety of things I’ve done, the incredibly largish variety of mistakes I’ve made, and also perhaps for the quotidian challenges of the Now.  Years of therapy! Years of work! It came to seem important to me to know who I really am, really was, what I wanted.  The layers of rubble and numerous flesh wounds it took to go through to find that out probably made it seem to some that I was a complete waste case  (albeit a High Functioning One) adrift forever.  Then, once I did start to see some light, recognize my own image at last, it seemed that I hadn’t done myself any favors.  All the things I thought were important were not things that lent impetus to success in this world.  I also came to see that over the course of time of divesting myself of unneeded attitudes, beliefs, values, that a) it’s pretty much a miracle I survived, and b) I had no idea.  Simply.  No idea.

So now, after all our adventures and realizations, we confront maybe the biggest challenge ever.   In this effort at understanding, at survival, at progress, I found myself staring out at a huge horizon wondering if I’d totally missed the point, again, and altogether.  All the things that helped me walk through all those dark places all those times didn’t seem in the event to be doing much to support the exchecquer.  Not to put too fine a point on it: We’re on a quest for funds, along with a sizeable portion of the rest of humanity.  While I know luck plays a huge part in things, and I take baseball as a helpful Zennish metaphor about slumps! and streaks! and, knowing too that many close to me feel I have “unlucky” blinking repeatedly out from my forehead, I realized the other night that in fact, I have no complaints.  So it was something to get to that point, be able to just put it all down and go, whoa! How’d I get HERE???  A lovely feeling of simple joy at being alive! Yes, please.

Still, it came adjacent to a sobering birds’ eye view of the current picture.  I saw a posting on facebook last week that said, essentially, by all means! reach out to others when you need help.  That way you’ll find out who really, really doesn’t give a fuck about you.  So I did that and the ensuing rejection of my request came as a devastating, nauseating, total shock.  To me only of course.  Everyone else was all, will you ever learn???  But it gave me a seriously up close and personal look at denial.  Which, me being me, I thought about how that dynamic affects people’s health and lives, and how one might best approach someone in that state.  Because I think we all know when we tell someone, well, yadda yadda, you’re in DENIAL, the result most generally will be hearing that thank you very much but neither you nor the person you’re addressing is in Egypt.  But denial is a powerful, powerful thing, especially when it springs up from a need to survive.  Personally I was astounded at the depth of mine, and in a critical moment thought it might be sufficient to keep me on the crazy train for ever.  At present, hard to say, given the temper of the times.   But I think not.  Eternal crazy train, that is.

NONETHELESS.  What I’ve learned so far:

1)  You can do it.  It’s scary! but you can do it.  At least I think so at present, waiting for further evidence to firm up a conclusion.

2) When things look impossible, sometimes it really IS time to click your heels a few times, spin around, and see how it looks then.  You may have to try this several times, and stop before you make yourself throw up.  The profile picture was it for me, today.

3) This whole business of keeping depression or illnesses or…. or whatever it might be secret is ridiculous.  There has to be a happy medium between boring the bottoms off people with Your Very Important Story and keeping yourself on lock down in case Someone Finds Out That….that what?  Your chemistry is off? Or something else isn’t straight out of Advertising World?  None of us will ever heal if we continue…well, denial, there it is again! of what is really happening with others and ourselves.  Judgments are not perhaps what we humans should be overly preoccupied with, especially when it comes to pain.

4) So I’m working on deep breathing, unconditional love, and Trusting The Process.  Which I haven’t quite worked out yet…..

Meanwhile, it’s been strange times up here what with smoke so thick you can barely see out and the mountain lion family that dispatched three llamas across the ridge from us this past week, including the baby who was, arguably, the cutest thing ever.  Well, except for the new donkey Silver.  We saw two spotted fawns springing through some trees one day; the next we saw two dead ones by the side of the road, hit by a car.  Life in the country! It ain’t for sissies.

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