Indeed. It was somewhat forcefully brought to my attention this morning that for me? Having it all really revolves around having my poor little mind stay in one piece. Since apparently I have given up on having any part of the American Dream- after all, as George Carlin said, you have to be asleep to believe in it. We are definitely awake at our house.
I didn’t realize (for lo, these many many long years) the effort involved in passing myself off as “normal” and “functioning”. Not to say I am not quite functional! but normal may be a stretch never to be made. It’s a short step to thinking that had I not been quite so…shall we say disoriented?….in my formative years Things Might Have Been Different. Or not. It’s also true that things always happen for a reason, we do what we are here to do sooner or later, and there really are no mistakes in the final analysis. (Oh yeah?)
Still. It is quite the endeavor to review things with an eye to integrating one’s self and situation. At this point I’m pretty much standing with my eyes and mouth wide open, hands covering the dropped jaw. My drive to be independent saved me, but of course also put me in a certain outlying paradigm- not, after all, what girls were allowed to be without some effort back in the day. It’s clear at this point that everything that’s happened leads to the work I do now- understanding how to deal with things that have been damaged or seemingly spoilt- clearing the pain away so that the light of day can appear at long last. This is, though, I am quite sure, something that can be done, and I am very happy to do it even though the monetary elements are not always what one might wish. The values coursing through our society often can make it SEEM as though you fail if you don’t make a lot of money, but it ain’t necessarily so, and less really IS more, minimalism IS a good way to proceed. Things do get better even if it takes a very long time. Remembering that all beings want to be happy and that in fact they generally do the best they are able to do, it gets easier to let go of things that don’t serve us- once, that is, we get the map of the shoals and currents and deep waters inside us where we can see it. And that map may really be what having it all actually is. You come to see the world you are in as it is, for you, and not someone else. You know those deep currents are cold and fast but you also know you can swim them and survive. So for today, right now? I have it all, at long last. Have a good day, Gentle Reader!
Boozilla: learning to fly one room at a time 