lost in space?

Well, Gentle Reader.  Lack of certainty? Feelings of groundlessness? Check, and check.

The nature of reality is changing was the Partner’s rueful comment the other day.  Indeed it is, even though the more things change the more they stay the same.  I saw today, for example, that I’ve been blogging for FIVE YEARS.   And this hasn’t been just any five years.

The blogging, in a way, is like everything else.  It appeared, took shape, and began a continuous morph.  It’s something I do that matters to me, but the implication of it- the what does this mean of it- seems like something far out in front, a light one follows.

The past five years, though.  I’ve written my way through what I am coming to think of as my own death and resurrection (completion of the latter pending, it seems).  NO WONDER I’VE FELT WEIRD.  Jeesh.  How long can it take to figure this stuff out?  But indeed, nothing is as it used to be.  Nothing.  In many ways that is good and about time, too.  In other ways the complete unknowing, the flaming featurelessness of the landscape, is overwhelming.  It’s as though the light is so bright you can only see briefly when it is obscured.

So what is really important in life?  When you strive for truthfulness it often means you don’t fit into regular paradigms.  It can seem as though you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t:  If you are true to yourself some things cannot remain in your life.  If you aren’t, you’re walking around like a zombie whether you know it or not.   Right now I am watching two people who have lived their entire lives in a state of total disability and profound mental challenge.  They’ve just lost someone they loved, someone important.  Although these two don’t “understand” things in the exact manner others might, they both definitely know they’re sad.  Devastated.  Confused.  Their tears are heartrending.  On some level the only way to “reach” them is to simply Be There.  There’s not much to say, really, and their inner storms pass in their own time .  But this  Being There seems to be in the end the actual point of things.   Listening and bearing witness.  It doesn’t seem like enough at times but it is definitely something we all need.  I’m learning.

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