Rising suns

If the sun comes up tomorrow, it’ll be a better day.  That’s what the man in the laundromat said to me.  The sun did come up, thank goodness, but it has taken the better day a minute to arrive.  HOWEVER.

It is, really, a much better day than it was, for example, on another day when the sun came up and I was in a cab on the Bay Bridge watching the light come over everything.  It was about 5 a.m. and the cab driver (who drove, as I recall, most excitingly) asked me if God had ever spoken to me and if so, what had been said.  (I could see he was on the evangelical path based on the dashboard adornments.)  It wasn’t my best morning given that my husband had just blown his head off with a shotgun, so perhaps I can be forgiven for saying, yes, He has, and He said YOU’RE FUCKED.  The cabdriver blenched at that a bit and seemed to remember from somewhere in the dim mists of his brain that he had indeed picked me up not twenty minutes before at a police station in pre-dawn pitch blackness.  A clue, if there ever was one.

That thought floated around for a while since the Thing that has made the recent weeks so challenging is also a death.  My friend.  Cancer.  Lots of pain.  And watching suns come up and set, marveling at how much the heart can endure and learn.  Realizing that it is the loss that pains us, and not much can be done about that.  What are we really here for, after all?

The Partner is actually a very wise man.  Originally overwhelmed with his witty handsomeness it has taken me a minute to appreciate the depths, out of which came his opinion that, really, what we are supposed to do right now? Is stop what we’re doing.  And what we’re doing so often is not attending to, abiding with, being at-one-ment with our fellow creatures.  So I thought about that.  Then for some reason I reread The Dark Night of the Soul (so cheery!) and finally understood it.

What I think now, which it turns out hasn’t changed, is that we are here to serve each other.  Be present and witness, however that happens. Search always for the truth. It means commitment and endurance but it is also very freeing.  There really isn’t anything to do except what is given us, what is before us, and we must do it with as much joy as we can muster.  The more you open up, of course the more you’re going to feel and that isn’t always the most fun you’ve ever had.  At the same time you feel your heart ripping open again, though, eventually you also find yourself seeing the world itself in all its beauty, grandeur, unknowableness and total order.

That’s where we are today, in any event.


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