fearless leader

Of all the things I miss, Rocky and Bullwinkle is way up on the list.  Somehow, it was always so calming in its witty way.

When I got up today I REALLYREALLYREALLY wished Rocky and Bullwinkle was on tv.  But it wasn’t.  As often happens as we pull ourselves into daily reality, the Partner offered his morning thoughts, which happened today to be about the invention of watches.  (Yes.  And it is good for me to think about such things before my eyes are fully open.) We figured watches became necessary about the time that capital became the Ruling Thing here on earth.  Seriously.  Why would you need to know what time someone else decided it was when on some level it was simply a way to get you to do what they wanted?  Be here at 8 am, sort of thing.  Work all day for my benefit.  Good fun, and don’t be late.  Anyway, time and watches and clocks have always seemed a bit strange to me, dividing and marking something that is really ineffable and expands and shrinks as it sees fit, and also as a confinement to a tiny scale of what you can know when you look up at the sky.    In any event,  there’s something about my system that kills watches: Battery operated watches stop within 36 hours, routinely, and windup watches- well, it was interesting to see what THEY did.  I had a glittery one once, that was the best watch ever especially since it had no numbers and tiny hands on a face of crystals and it didn’t really matter what time it was.  In any event, not a watch person.

The Partner was marvelling at the logistics of simply making a watch at all in the 1600 or 1700’s.  Shaping and cutting metal, making gears, the optics needed to even see these things.  He said, they knew what this thing looked like inside before they knew how to make it.    It coincided with something I’ve been thinking about this week, oddly, which is this.  Everything we learn in life follows this pattern- we sense it, the shape and size and configuration of whatever it is, long before we know how to make it or maintain it or really understand what it is.

It became absolutely clear recently that, in fact, our thoughts really DO create the biggest part of our reality.  How we think colors what we observe, what we see, how we feel about all those things, what our expectations are (which in turn creates quite a bit of what actually happens).  Healing is about this very process.  What our core beliefs are, our deepest feelings and understandings, these things influence us profoundly and often are inaccessible to our conscious minds.  The work of getting to what a person really thinks and believes is the work of becoming whole.  So often, though, we cling to the very thoughts and conceptions that keep us prisoners and simply wishing things to be otherwise does not do the trick.  Even knowing that by keeping our thoughts in balance we improve our lives doesn’t mean we can really do it all the time.  So in essence, we know what the inside of the watch looks like- we just don’t know how to spark it into being or perhaps even what might happen if we did.

The other element to this is that as long as we are moving according to unconscious habit and motivation, it is hard to see that the successes we have in strengthening our awareness do not make everything different- and in fact, that isn’t necessary at all.  It is as it is; what changes is how we see it.  Our pattern shifts and different connections manifest.  This creates movement and change and elevates, in a sense, everyone’s game.   Once YOU feel better and more integrated, everyone around you finds they can breathe more easily too somehow.  No bossing around required.  Then the next lesson appears which is about letting go.

And what do we need to let go of?  The things that bind and constrict.  Expectations and resentments.  The effort to be something you are not because someone else wants that (watches anyone?).  The seeking outside oneself for answers and vesting our own authority and responsibility in someone else.  Then, of course, we can be upset when things don’t go as we wish and drama ensues, attention happens. But the basic structural defect, if we can call it that, is still there and our vehicle will just go in the same, ever smaller, circle.   Which often ends in a very deep hole.

That small circle serves a purpose, of course- it makes us feel we are not alone, gets some room between us and that existential sucky swamp of fear and dread.  Not in a lasting way, however, as I have found.  The longer you insist on staying in that small circumference, the harder it is going to be when the spring gets sprung and you are catapulted out of the life you knew one way or another.  What you resist persists, and there can be some real inter-brain trench warfare just getting out of the way.

The thing of it turns out to be maintaining a sense of awe, I think.  Those glimpses of understanding, of the movements of nature and time and curiosity and learning, are heady things indeed, and they have an energy and power to them that moves us along if we let it.  We don’t know, really, what’s going on here, or what is going to happen.  Really.  We don’t.  It seems, then, that a sensible open minded observant approach may be the best.   Things happen for good and for bad, and we really don’t have a whole lot of control over anything but our responses.  Paying attention to those responses and developing a respect for them, trusting them to work for us and developing faith (which has nothing to do with religion) that they will- a big challenge but it does get the job done over time.  We may not truly know what our “successes” and “failures” are in this life, and we certainly often don’t know when we’ve done some small thing that makes a big difference.  But these things happen, it’s not necessary to have every last detail, and I think it is true that Creator loves us when we sing.  Fewer watches, more songs- might be a plan.

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