dare we say it?

Probably best not to draw too much attention to the fact that nothing appears to have gone deeply sideways, personally,  for a day or so.  I hardly know what to do with myself.

I had a long and ultimately unsettling talk with a friend over the weekend. On the positive side, I was able to see that my feeling of distress was caused by my not taking action on my own behalf, by my not saying, I just can’t do this right now.  Which has been a life long habit, a sort of black belt co-dependent stance.  It was quite an interesting thing to realize I really don’t live like that any more, or not as much, which is to say at least things were Noted and responsibility taken.  It was also interesting to see just how drained the episode left me, and to see how much of our daily lives can get taken up by this sort of thing.

We’re awash in consequences, intended and otherwise.  The consequence of not doing what we know to be right is malaise, even if a temporary consequence of doing what we know to be right may be some sort of distress.  The malaise extends out and creates all those unintended consequences, like human and  environmental degradation.   Often the right thing to do is nothing, at this point, in terms of social existence.  Proceeding in the same manner is clearly not going to work and this gruesome realization is making a lot of people unconsciously tense.  (This was part of the conversational stress, actually, because things revolved around this tension but no insight occurred, no problem solving and essentially, no dialogue or felt balance.)  Sitting still turns out to be pretty hard work, too.   That urge to push through, to DO something, keep running- what is that?  I think it is fear more often than not.  If you have all those plates twirling above your head, there isn’t much time to think about anything else.  This seems pretty reasonable at the outset, but as time goes on those twirling plates show themselves to be nothing more than constructions of our own minds and not particularly useful in actual movement through real life.   At this point it becomes fairly clear that there is indeed a path.  But there is no map.  Those twirling plates look appealing, there may be nostalgia even…..but they must be stopped and laid down.    Silence has to have a place to live.

We’re engaging in a sort of experiment, the Partner and I.  The more extraneous tic-like behaviors we each eliminate, the closer we get to a state of being that is quite different from anything that came before.  It often doesn’t seem as though it’s very important, this thing we’re doing, but at the same time I notice that there is, in fact, an influence and an energy that comes from dispensing with wastes of time- and it has legs.  I don’t know much about all this, never having been here before but one thing seems clear.  If we don’t do what there is, right in front of us, to be done, we will not really do anything.   We may be busy, for sure, but we won’t be accomplishing anything, in fact.  It is this dedication of attention to all the small things that in the end produces results.  It’s hard to do, in a way, and clearly the whole idea daunts us as humans.  But somehow the practice of looking at things as they are, without adding opinions, and becoming used to not knowing, gives a whole different meaning to things- or maybe more correctly, starts allowing that meaning to emerge at last.  Simple.  Complicated. Beautiful.

Thank you very much for reading.


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