Every once in a while I remember what I was thinking during this or that debacle, freefall, or occasional triumph in times of yore.  Sometimes it is helpful, in that it shows me for good or ill what consistency there is in my character.  Like loving flowers, for example.

Other times it makes me want to throw things because it seems I am as deeply lodged as ever in certain– let’s call them misapprehensions.  Which I interpret in this case as seeing something that might or might not have been there in a given situation, because of my own orientation.  As in, being essentially unable to even swat a fly (ask the Partner about the octopus bathtub toy incident, for example) I can’t quite imagine that anyone else really can either.  But of course they can.

So.  There I was, mulling all the flies, swatted and not, and finally I think I understood what forgiveness is.  It’s kind of realizing that everyone involved in anything is, on some level, doing the best they can.  That best may be sociopathic, yes, but it is still in a way completely to do with THEM and their operating system, and not so much with YOU except insofar as you didn’t get out of the way in time.  Knowing this, you can begin to stop saying things to yourself like, if you hadn’t been such a FREAKING IDIOT you’d have….etc.  You were doing the best you could on some level too.   The core of it is really: How many more times did you find yourself in front of the Sociopath Express?  How much maintenance and repair do you do on your own soul so it doesn’t break down on the tracks?  You don’t have to have an opinion or judgement about it, after all.  You just need to observe and keep up the maintenance.

Part of that maintenance has to do with  seeing what your actual orbit or path or freeway is.  Gandhi said that even though whatever you do may be insignificant, it is very important that you do it.  This is pretty key to the whole deal, because for one thing, focusing on what needs to be done in front of you can allow you to rise above that thinking orientation to a larger perspective.  Then, at that larger perspective, you may have to make any grandiosity sit back down and keep doing whatever it is you were doing, without thought of a tangible, concrete thing-like reward.  This doesn’t mean dictatorial thought, compulsive busy-ness and all that sort of thing- those things often indicate someone is trying to outrun a devil.  Which isn’t possible if that’s how you do it.

Net, net?  I had a couple of work experiences over the past several days (which were action packed enough even without….) that raised a whole new series of questions for me.  Oh, Goody, I thought, more effing growth opportunities!  $#!^.  Anyway.  One thing that’s happened to me over the past few years is the severing of many personal ties, some of them very deep.  The bottom line has been that finally I can’t be anyone other than who I am.  Admittedly, between my incredible sort of luck and a huge tendency toward being accident prone and unable to, at times, see what was in front of my face, people may have every reason to think of me as a strange sort of semi-dangerous fluff brain.  But there is something that I am, have been, and most likely will be for the duration of my time in this “suit”.  That something seems to have to do with using my intuition to be of assistance to people, especially when they are sick.  This isn’t something that people necessarily accept much past lip service, although the validity of this kind of work has been, in fact, proven in clinical settings. So, as I say, I had these two instances where I saw my mind (while driving to a “house call”) swinging between the poles of the old me- doubting totally the worth and validity of what I was doing, letting the fact that we all die assume undue proportion in terms of what is nonetheless possible and letting fear get a nose poked in- and the poles of the actual me.  The actual me saw that there was positive movement in the things I did, that I DID help, and that actually my assessment of things was bang on.   Amazing, ennit?  Everyone has a part to play, the way I see it.  A contribution to what a person knows about their situation can be just the thing to move them forward.  You never know, and that may be the biggest point:  You can’t know, you simply must be present.

Ultimately I realized in the past few days that this thing that I “do” is actually what I “am”, and given that it involves big lifestyle choices, it’s inevitable that not everyone will go along for the ride.  Time,then, to go back outside and smell the flowers!  Especially now, since the first wildflowers are spangling the hills with explosions of color and grassy fragrance.   On some level I think we all tussle with the concept of who we really are and what we are doing here, and it is a long trip to get perspective on wants and needs vs ego and fear driven reactivity, especially in a world where everything is measured by how much it can be monetized and for how long.  And of course it’s all evanescent, a bubble, monetized or not.  Once again, a re-dedication to beauty and its truth- you really can’t go wrong with flowers.


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