Posts Tagged ‘progress’

oh, my

Or, fun or what? OR life on Planet Clusterfuck. We’ve had a few direct socks to the jaw lately on the road to the shining city of stable place to live, pretty much all remnants of the Previous Tenant’s misfeasance. Today it looks like Fun With the Water Supply. The Partner, booted to the gills, is out on an inspection round which we fervently hope reveals Nothing. Being on a well, it’s always quite unnerving when the water comes out brown (possible leak in line). Green happens sometimes too, usually after the pipes have frozen and unthawed, and God knows how all that indescribable green oozy stuff gets in there. However, I feel hopeful because? In the recent bouts of storms, the only time our power actually went off was when a lightning bolt struck ground close to the yurt. This produced a sound I have never heard before, let’s just say. Things went BLACK for about three minutes, shock one supposes, then back to “normal”. So I figure, if we weren’t struck by lightning, things may be improving. Or our sang froid is deepening.

Which leads to the next meandering. Waking up is always, and has always been, a challenge. Almost on par with going to sleep, but that’s another story. Sometimes there’s just the old devils dancing across the quilt going nyahnyahnyah, sometimes new ones. Sometimes there’s music: Tannheuser (don’t ask me, I have no idea), Godsmack’s Whatever, marimbas, cellos, Nathan Frayne and the Nightsweats….but today? Today’s offering was an exposition on what free will means.

Having always considered that concept part of the patriarchal external enforced reality, I didn’t think it had any real application. It always seemed like a way to be told that, once again, You’re Doing It Wrong and MOREOVER It really IS all your fault. But this morning it seemed different.

It seemed to me that free will is another way of describing one’s THINKING when it is generated by the forces of ego, of the individual feeling separate from everything and not being aware of the actuality of Source…the unifying theory/reality/situation that, while it may not have been discovered by physics, certainly exists. So, then, one acts in accord with these thoughts and feels oh, so independent. Then they come together in a daily message which we often refer to as karma. And one can feel plagued by bad luck, forces of fate, whatever. OR, in some cases one can feel as though one really deserves all this great stuff because one is just so great oneself, greater than others and all the rest of it.

But in the end it is still, or it seemed to me this morning, what they refer to in AA as “stinkin’ thinkin'”, which in turn lead me to wonder whether “free will” like so many other things on this planet, is on a kind of continuum. One end is the egoic free will, and on the other? The free will that links up with the, if we can call it so, Source Continuum. And all those “decisions” one struggles with might be, if not easier, at least not likely to lead one right back into that deep hole one thought one was free willing oneself out of. Of course, one also has to avoid the non-free-will, non thought turning of it all over to “fate”. Which is starting to seem like a cross between the build-up of all those decisions crossed with one’s ancestral history.

It connected to something else I’d been thinking about for a while, after having seen one of Henry Louis Gates Jr.’s programs on finding such ancestral history, with well known people as the research subjects. In one instance, there was a recurring murder, one for each of, I think, three generations. The person whose history it was had no idea about the previous murders, although one had been experienced in this individual’s life. This finally connected with a knot I’d been chewing on, about my mother’s death.

I wasn’t present for any part of it, in fact hadn’t spoken to her for a few years. This has, needless to say, caused pain in my heart. She had the same general situation, healthwise, as my grandmother. Who also died without my mother, who also hadn’t spoken to her for years. As happened with my great-grandmother and my grandmother, from what little I was told. Aha! Self, I said: A pattern, aren’t you smart? But what does it represent? This is where you have to leave the old free will/fate stuff behind and understand that this isn’t necessarily a place, this planet, where you Make Decisions All By Yourself. There is a purpose, and this seems ever more like a huge school. It’s not likely you’re going to do well in a subject your teachers have not understood, much less mastered. The real point of free will, whatever it is, may be becoming able to discern the patterns and select the ones that are dynamic and harmonic, instead of the ones that feed that false sense of power over. So after all this cogitation, it seems most likely that nobody in my family ever really mastered relationships. *AHEM* Is that IT? I said to the blanket this morning, waking the Dog. Onward, then.

The thing about relationships, just to wrap this up and get on with sweeping the floor, is that they never ARE going to work if you don’t start at a kinship relationship with everything. Which is horizontal, not vertical. (We are all one, we’re not all exactly the same, and even though one can’t let everything devolve into Fate, there really IS, I think, a Fickle Finger of Fate that shows up from time to time. Just to see if you’re paying attention. ) From there you go to not judging, and the difficult not taking anything personally. I found it was good practice not to get mad at the table when I stubbed my toe, for example. This made it easier to not go into full Donald Duck mode with those around me, eventually. After all, *I* bumped into the table, sort of thing.

While, in this moment, the Partner is still Stressed even though the Plumbing Event did not happen (YAY), and the Dog still stoutly refuses to wear the boots I got last year (hollow claws + mud=what do you think?), there is some larger peace now. Personally I think every time one of us Figures Something Out, it helps everyone…or I like to think that anyway. Maybe free will boils down to having the ability to look at what you’re doing in a way that keeps you from putting your face into the what do you think? Maybe.

Meanwhile, blessings and thanks! And, as we try to remember: Kindness and humor are essential now and may we all survive the….er….”holidays”…..

brain, suspended

A huge thunderstorm just moved over us.  We’d been hearing the thunder for some time, and then the entire sky turned Payne’s Gray, making the leaves and needles on the trees look phosphorescent.  It rained for about two minutes and on it went.  I don’t know if it’s me, but things certainly seemed to take longer to happen…back in, uhm, the day.

We’ve been in this place for almost six years now, which is incredible when I think about it.  A total, complete, exhaustive and comprehensive life change, and we have survived it so far even though it seems more like we’ve been here for twenty years in terms of what’s happened.  In that time a lot has changed in this little area:  people have come and gone, several people have died, one got murdered and as of today it’s almost as thought none of that happened.  Actors on a stage, indeed.  A lot has changed for us, too, in fact so much so that nothing is really the same as it was before.  I think I always admired people who I thought were brave enough to do such a fool thing as take the leap when the calvary’s bearing down with sabres drawn, but for sure I didn’t think I was such an individual.

It has, in retrospect, taken this long for the Partner and I to even begin to be oriented in place and time.  We came here to a spot that had literally nothing on it except an RV hookup of sorts, in a place we’d never really been,  and built a home that has protected and sheltered us, and grown a lot of our own food.  I still have a shock of incomprehension when I drive to town, as though I’ve just woken up some place far, far away.  But we really are here, and we are starting, as well, to be here NOW.

And, NOW is such a time, isn’t it?  Clear and honest communication seems to be at a premium, the power structure is full of crooked, mindlessly selfish individuals, and yet in spite of the nightmares swirling around all over the world, things continue and it is hard to imagine that somehow that might end.  In spite of everything I find my optimism is unquenchable, if bloodied and muddied.  It’s clearer than ever to me that we all, really, could do almost anything we set our minds to if we would choose to do it.  So much of what we do is kind of on auto-pilot- the brain knows what it’s doing and you don’t need to be told it’s doing it.  The gist of mindfulness, in a way, is slowing ourselves down to the point where we actually pay attention in each moment instead of gliding along letting the brain do its thing.  This isn’t so we can micromanage how our skin heals or how we walk up stairs, but perhaps to NOTICE it and notice everything around all of what happens, and thus to see that there is a bigger order than we know or create.  That bigger order contains the proper questions.  And those proper questions lead us to actual answers.  The thing, I’m thinking now, is not to be afraid of that, not to be afraid of the silence or of the music, not to doubt that we may yet do what we ought to.  Not, in essence, to be afraid to relinquish our ego drives thinking that we will lose our “individuality” in so doing.  That fear keeps us from being what we are, doing what we really could do.  Not to mention SHOULD do.  It’s amazing how pervasive fear is, how powerful, and how once you commit to the work, how it recedes into the distance and goes away.  Anything is possible.