Posts Tagged ‘right action’

previously undiscovered circles

And those circles are you know where, Gentle Reader.   Honestly, at times it is overwhelming, this life we’re all living now.  Mine seems intent on demonstrating to me that every bridge is already burnt and there’s no use crying over spilled milk.   Which of course is excellent advice but not altogether pleasant.

I balanced the early morning sight of two brand spanking new tiny pink pigs, eating breakfast in their yard with the two white ducks down the road, against the experience that followed in an official setting of a sort of concussingly boring ritual humiliation.  Which had followed a couple of other similar experiences in completely different settings.  Plus a LOT of technical difficulties.  So, yes.  I felt as though a gauntlet had been passed through and I maybe had finally been hacked to pieces.  I made the Partner take me to the salmon hatchery  to recuperate.  It’s really one of my favorite spots around here.  Earlier in the year when we were there the fish were present en masse, going up river. It was maybe the most astonishing thing I’ve seen.  Those fish were so majestic, so incredibly beautiful, so powerful- it was totally clear that they are indeed the expression of divinity that the native peoples who live with them see.  So as I stood over the metal grates above the living, rushing water, I breathed them in, in spirit at least since they’re all gone for another year now.   It led me from the unreal to the real, although there was a rather horrendous lag time of a day before the goodness kicked in, so to speak.  Fortunately, there was vodka.  I guess the thing of it is: You are going to feel everything in a given situation or experience if you are alive in it.  But the feeling moves on and no matter how great or difficult it is, it’s temporary.  A true matter of perspective- one day you can feel as though nothing is worth the effort.  Give it a minute and you come around again, back in the dance.  What is, is, and always shall be.  What isn’t, is not, and never will be.  Upanishads, I think.

As usual, to assist the climb back in off the ledge, there was cooking.  While watching a program on the recent space mission to that comet and learning that it cost almost two billion dollars, taking ten years to get to a place where they already knew what they’d find and moreover? might explode at any minute and not be there when they arrived- a ridiculous proposition demonstrating today’s corruption of science – I pondered the simplicity of what I was making for dinner.   Which was that heavenly Persian chicken dish, in a sauce of walnuts and pomegranates (ours!) and onions (also ours!).  Salt and pepper and butter.  Simple.  But wonderful.  And EASY. So that’s the current goal.  Simple and wonderful. I can’t help thinking that it is that basic connection every day with the what IS that provides the wherewithal to live- the real food, the rivers and skies.   The fact that culturally people seem to think they can’t be bothered or don’t have time is one of those things that will shift, maybe unpleasantly for a while especially given the current parameters.  But I really do think that the more we all get back to the basics of being alive, the joy of recognition of beauty and assuming responsibility for our selves, the better off we’ll be.  It seems to work every time for us, anyway, when we remember to focus.

Thank you!


running in place

I woke up today with my usual combination of profound apprehension and deep gratitude.  Not a flavor profile I would have picked, but it seems to be This Year’s Special.

I guess the thing of it is….the thing of it is that it continues to be difficult to maintain one’s footing in any area.  The basis of people’s lives is in question across the board, whether it be from lack of resources pushing you over the cliff to suddenly looking down during a life that appears to be working and seeing: Nothing beneath you.  I try not to sound like an idiot when people discuss these things with me, but really.  A big thing in life seems more and more to be the crucial importance of knowing when to leave something behind, especially if it’s something you’re used to.

Right now that something is, I think, illusion.  Or glamor, in its original meaning of a fairy dustish sort of thing that makes something look like something it isn’t.   It may LOOK like things are working, but they aren’t.  What is needed is a Gandhi-like universal world strike, in which everyone just stops.  Stops driving, stops buying, stops texting, stops stealing, stops lying, stops whatever it is. Quiet time on earth.  For a day clarity might surface-  even if a day would probably not be long enough to produce actual dynamic thinking.  We might see that the world is being run by a power elite that doesn’t care what happens as long as they keep their money.  We might see that this relentless push for capital doesn’t really help anyone and things could be a lot smoother and more productive.  If we stopped we might see that for the most part, our problems stem from being separated from our hearts.

That may, of course, be idealistic drivel.  But the cognitive dissonance going on is exhausting.  Which is why seeing the hundreds of wrens and robins and bluebirds in the garden in the early morning is so wonderful.  The pair of white ducks down the road, who supervise all activity in their garden, are enchanting, really. They stand with their heads together and wings touching, watching their human work in the garden, offering quiet quacks of instruction.  They have their own small swimming pool to paddle around in and drink from, as do the other geese and chickens on the hill since it has been so dry here for so long.  The water sometimes looks like quicksilver, splashing up on  creamy stomachs and necks above  yellow feet.  Sometimes it looks like the goose gaggle is standing around their pool, looking down and scrying.  At this point, their guess is as good as mine.

Still.  There is a music almost that calls a person to go on, and the importance of each moment shouldn’t be doubted.  There’s a big piece of me that knows we’re moving toward a global development that will change everything and for the most part for the better. It is hard not to let fear in when thinking about what that might be- but then again.  We really do have nothing to fear except fear itself, when you get right down to it.  Fear should inform us about where to take care, not keep us locked up.

dare we say it?

Probably best not to draw too much attention to the fact that nothing appears to have gone deeply sideways, personally,  for a day or so.  I hardly know what to do with myself.

I had a long and ultimately unsettling talk with a friend over the weekend. On the positive side, I was able to see that my feeling of distress was caused by my not taking action on my own behalf, by my not saying, I just can’t do this right now.  Which has been a life long habit, a sort of black belt co-dependent stance.  It was quite an interesting thing to realize I really don’t live like that any more, or not as much, which is to say at least things were Noted and responsibility taken.  It was also interesting to see just how drained the episode left me, and to see how much of our daily lives can get taken up by this sort of thing.

We’re awash in consequences, intended and otherwise.  The consequence of not doing what we know to be right is malaise, even if a temporary consequence of doing what we know to be right may be some sort of distress.  The malaise extends out and creates all those unintended consequences, like human and  environmental degradation.   Often the right thing to do is nothing, at this point, in terms of social existence.  Proceeding in the same manner is clearly not going to work and this gruesome realization is making a lot of people unconsciously tense.  (This was part of the conversational stress, actually, because things revolved around this tension but no insight occurred, no problem solving and essentially, no dialogue or felt balance.)  Sitting still turns out to be pretty hard work, too.   That urge to push through, to DO something, keep running- what is that?  I think it is fear more often than not.  If you have all those plates twirling above your head, there isn’t much time to think about anything else.  This seems pretty reasonable at the outset, but as time goes on those twirling plates show themselves to be nothing more than constructions of our own minds and not particularly useful in actual movement through real life.   At this point it becomes fairly clear that there is indeed a path.  But there is no map.  Those twirling plates look appealing, there may be nostalgia even…..but they must be stopped and laid down.    Silence has to have a place to live.

We’re engaging in a sort of experiment, the Partner and I.  The more extraneous tic-like behaviors we each eliminate, the closer we get to a state of being that is quite different from anything that came before.  It often doesn’t seem as though it’s very important, this thing we’re doing, but at the same time I notice that there is, in fact, an influence and an energy that comes from dispensing with wastes of time- and it has legs.  I don’t know much about all this, never having been here before but one thing seems clear.  If we don’t do what there is, right in front of us, to be done, we will not really do anything.   We may be busy, for sure, but we won’t be accomplishing anything, in fact.  It is this dedication of attention to all the small things that in the end produces results.  It’s hard to do, in a way, and clearly the whole idea daunts us as humans.  But somehow the practice of looking at things as they are, without adding opinions, and becoming used to not knowing, gives a whole different meaning to things- or maybe more correctly, starts allowing that meaning to emerge at last.  Simple.  Complicated. Beautiful.

Thank you very much for reading.


the learning precipice

Things have been, Gentle Reader, more than usually challenging and difficult and I am facing October hoping it isn’t like September was.  Because September was AWFUL.

However.  There is a smattering of snow on Mt. Shasta at last.  The lady down the road who has geese sets out small blue plastic swimming pools for them and it is a joy to watch them paddling around.  We have literal parliaments of birds in the garden in the mornings, taking dew baths and eating bugs.   I figured out an easier way to make spaghetti sauce.

I also realized something pretty big about being human and how we actually change.  One of the weird things that happened last month was for the first time ever, I lost, spectacularly, my temper.  I banged a shovel on a metal gate until sparks flew.  In that moment I had a panoramic view of why people get angry, why they act out- all those things I thought I just couldn’t understand before.  On the one hand, such an exhibition produces desired results at times- and I suppose this particular time I was very lucky to live through it.  But I thought a lot about how things are now, how people can feel so alienated and disenfranchised and without recourse or alternative, and how desperate the situation is for so many in this world for things to be going as they are, so much violence and anger and frustration and basic WASTE.  At the same time I realized the enormity of the connection between all of us.  We all feel the same things whether we know it or not, and there is a huge movement between all of us:  of feelings, of thoughts. (It’s hard, of course, to think that anything resembling thought goes on in the minds of, say, the Koch brothers- those guys who pronounce their name like the beverage and not the body part they mostly behave like.  Still, it must be possible.)

Then, imagine my surprise when I realized that all these Opportunities for Growth that have surfaced lately?  I asked for that.  I had an opportunity a while ago to do some deep work.  I asked for help with a family issue, a personal relationship issue, and for help dealing with my many fears.  Of course I thought that the problematic elements would just sort of…float away.  I would be released from them.  Just as we all do, hope that our trials and tribulations will be taken from us.  BUT OF COURSE in order for that to happen, quite a bit of work must be done.   The first two concerns were, in fact, dealt with and they were two of the hardest, most painful things I’ve ever gone through.  Then, there’s the fear.  You can’t divest yourself of fear until you really know what it is, it turns out.  You can’t pretend you don’t feel it, can’t ignore it, also can’t let it run your life.  Just like in PTSD, the fears drive through your brain in horrible clockwork.  And just as in PTSD the way out is through, in noticing what comes up, what color that car in your head really is and also? it isn’t really a car.  Suddenly, after a lifetime of application, the fear reveals itself as what it is.  A thought in reaction to a circumstance.  Change your thoughts, the circumstance is changed as well.   Or more properly, its appearance is changed.  There is, as the Buddhists say, no cure for hot and cold.  And fear is like hot and cold- another experience, another sensation.  It may not be curable, but it IS explorable, and that is the key.

The thing of it now, though, is so many circumstances are so dire and intractable it might not seem like it matters at all how you think about them.  But I think it does.  How you perceive something dictates how you respond to it.  Take injustice.   The perpetrators of injustices are often not accessible, seen or even exactly known.  How do you combat something like that?  Things have taken such a direction in my life that I no longer have trust in any of the forms and infrastructures of society.  I also believe, still, shovel incident notwithstanding, that non-violence is the only lasting proper method for change.  This puts the responsibility squarely on one’s shoulders, then.  We ourselves have to shape our lives the way WE want them to be, regardless of tyranny, stupidity, poverty and greed.  There may be no basic services available to a person.  That person then has to forage, make connections, and create an alternative.  This means leaving a lot of things behind, but mostly things like materialism, complacency, disinterest.  It means you have to start actually thinking on your feet, being responsible.  Putting fear and conformity aside even in the most difficult situation really does allow space for movement and change.  It isn’t easy and I can’t imagine most people even want to touch this whole thing with a barge pole but nonetheless it is what is staring us all squarely in the face.   Or, me, anyway.  You gotta align self with Self and with the big picture.  Then? It isn’t easy or perhaps all that different but it is better without all the static.  And every day better gets better, and the strength and will to carry on grow, and great things can happen.  Great things aren’t always seemingly big things either.  All the small things everywhere add up to something though, and it is just starting to seem like there’s a reachable cohort working on peace, love, and happiness. So let’s introduce ourselves and carry on.


off to the races

I have to say, Gentle Reader, even by MY standards the past few days have been  like a combination of Survivor, Godzilla, and a stampede of bison during a large size hail storm with the gong section of a Chinese Opera Orchestra playing along.

On the positive side:  It was the Partner’s birthday.  I made a cake and arroz con leche and game hens and shrimp cocktail.  And cocktails, of course.  And some really fantastic purple potatoes from the garden.  We actually had a lot of fun AFTER we got past the non-positive sunrise wakeup call from the landlady’s dog.  During which wakeup exercise said dog killed all my chile plants, dug the crap out of one raised bed and our compost heap, and attempted to dig several large and important plants out of their containers.  I almost lost it altogether and may have murmured something about you won’t have to worry about who’s going to kill your dog if this happens again.  Since this was the, oh, say FOURTH TIME.   Each incursion has caused some significant damage and this dog does some very acrobatic things to get into our space.  Apparently there is some mystery about what happens when you let a large, untrained ratting dog out the door at 5 am and don’t bother to go with it or check on it or anything like that.   It’s a dicey proposition to let your dog out like that around here because everyone is fairly heavily armed.   Country living and second amendment rights, after all.   Just Friday night, for example, there was a long, REALLY long, volley of automatic weapons fire.  It may have had something to do with the visit of a sizeable portion of the Sheriff’s Department the prior Friday elsewhere in the neighborhood.  Or it may not have.  Anyway.  It seems, for better or worse, that no dogs were harmed in that incident.

We’ve also been preparing legal documents and digging out tax returns and all kinds of awful stuff like that.  Sometimes I feel as though, really, no more.  NOT ONE MORE THING.  I get over that when I see the little wrens taking baths in the water seeping down into the plants as we water them in the mornings, flipping their wings and sending sprays of water into the air.  We also have a gang of hummingbirds now who have been chasing each other around every morning with incredible feats of derring do, sneak attacks, and nyah nyah nyahs.

But then I see something like the picture of people waiting for food in a Syrian refugee camp.  Thousands of people, as far as you can see, standing between ruined buildings about ten abreast.  Even hummingbirds can’t quite get me past that.   I find I’m at a point now where everything that gets said about what’s going on in the world sounds like a big, fat, lie.  We abandoned the gold standard as the value base for our money, yes, and now use what? OIL.   Yes indeedy.  In fact, the same stuff that seems to be funding the Caliphate Bringers.  Someone explain to me, please, just why it is we don’t have a huge effort moving to get things solar and methane energied, among other things, just to move us along and out of this gigantic sink hole filled with $#!^ that we appear to be jumping right back into the middle of.   Still it is somewhat interesting to see such a funding source being used by opponents in a struggle.  Or whatever it is.  Then there was the young girl on Bill Moyers who spent several minutes saying that it was really OK and a good thing to use selfishness as a reason to be concerned with climate change.  I must say things seem pretty extreme now, the lines are drawn and while there are many people, young and old, trying to do the right thing, there seem to be many, many more doing the wrong thing.  Over and over.  Unthinkingly.  Selfishly.  I find myself feeling real, actual fear about the future, and not just because my own situation is so weird, precarious, and somehow wonderful when I can keep breathing.

It really is important to stay with the awe we feel in life, but sometimes it is so hard to pick oneself up and carry on.  Today’s motivation may just be cake.

do unto others

It seems simple enough, really.  But it turns out that doing unto others as you would have them do unto you doesn’t always work seamlessly.  Sometimes the others don’t seem to be paying attention, and sometimes our own motives aren’t as clear to us as they should be.  It’s not so easy to know why you’re here and what you’re supposed to be doing.  Just because YOU use your turn signal, right? doesn’t mean that the idiot in front of you even knows they have one.

But, as Sherlock Holmes said, once you remove the impossible whatever remains, however improbable, is your solution.  So, the fact that the world and my little existence both appear to be tottering on a sharp and ragged edge isn’t coincidence.  The fact that it can take years to understand things enough to perceive patterns and move forward properly is not a deterrent to development.   The hugeness of what is before us just IS; our job is to work on recognizing that.

In that vein, one thing that has been requiring practice is understanding what it is I “do”.  It doesn’t fit in to the mold, really, and it is evidently really easy for people to dismiss.  Not to mention where it sits on the economic totem pole.  But that may be the actual salient feature.  Right now it looks to me as though people who do things that actually help move things forward (thinkers  and problem solvers of all sorts) don’t always get the financial rewards. Investment bankers get the rewards at the same time as they bestow the kiss of death through over-production.  But you do these thinkings and solvings because you must; it is what you are, what speaks to you no matter what and makes you act.   Somehow, that is always enough to live on.  The other day I understood something about my work that had been a mystery to me for several years.  A pattern about how energy moves through the body and what variations of it produce revealed itself just like that (well, not “just” like that), and a knotty problem seemed amenable to resolution.  It was striking, not least because I actually remembered it later and it made sense. It made me think that really, it IS enough to do one’s work consciously.  It’s like you’re working on your own part of the thread that goes through everything, making sure it is bright and beautiful and untangled, knowing that the design or form of it is beyond, perhaps, your understanding, but that it does exist and you have a responsibility to it.   There’s no recognition perhaps, no comfort in it all really, but there is a kind of exaltation- of knowing you are actually really alive and however unyielding the circumstance, you are in a dance with it.  That dance is what matters, how you do it and whether or not you step on a lot of toes, jab your elbow into people, or move in time to the music and let it be the guide.

Panic is a pervasive feeling right now, many things are changing and not working in their accustomed ways.  Panic, though, is an invitation to slow down and look.  In some illnesses, for example, nights are terrible times.  The breathing becomes almost impossible, the air and the darkness blend into a sort of fire, and a person can become terribly frightened.  And panicky.   At just such times it is really imperative to, essentially, sit yourself down and shake yourself off.  There are always things you can do to restore enough balance to stop creating an ever deeper hole- physically there are points on the forehead that when pressed, remove blockage and pressure in not too long a time.  Getting to a point where you can see what you’re looking at means everything, even if that everything is as evanescent as a bubble.   It’s a question of motivation, perhaps, and at this time we all need to come from that deeper place of love and understanding in order to reach a proper enough motivation- a lever, you might say- so that we can indeed move the world.  We continue to work on it here.


things that look alike

It’s the little things, Gentle Reader.   I was watching the movie Barbarella on tv,  up to the part where she has the long black and white tail? Having congratulated myself on not getting into a feminist snit at all the tumescent activity and fantastical costuming, I wandered outside, where the Partner and I saw,  a few minutes later, a looooong black and white SNAKE.   My first California king. Snake, that is.  It looked at first glance to be about the size of Godzilla but of course THAT WAS RIDICULOUS.  Snakes rustle something primal in our brains- just like the huge black shadows that move over the ground when the buzzards hit the thermals just right overhead and you jump and shiver and then realize it’s Just A Buzzard.  And it’s not coming for you yet so what’s the big deal.  Anyway the snake really did look quite a bit like Barbarella’s tail.

It’s amazing to watch the human mind at work, in any event.  We sat there transfixed as this creature moved through the yard.  The real issue is the lizards and frogs and little birds, of course, and while we were happy it wasn’t a rattlesnake (yet) and happier that it was a snake that EATS rattlesnakes, still the ecology comes into question.   King snakes eat all the little denizens of the garden, upon whom we rely for marvelous bug control.  The lizards often look up expectantly at us, waiting for grasshoppers to waft down to their level.  Our impulse is of course to protect them- but how do we do that without doing something else that isn’t helpful?  If we move the snake it’ll just return; catching and selling it is an atrocity; killing it is wrong.

So, another quandary, another set of decisions.  The Partner, being a sensible sort, chased it out of the garden and took a wait and see approach.   It has worked with the rabbit, after all (to whom we now refer as “our” rabbit as we attempt to pick him out of the crew that traverses the driveway daily).  The frog is back in the kitchen and the lizards are racing around the cucumbers so things appear to be relatively in balance.   It made me think this morning about how a lot of what we experience as discomfort in our daily lives may be largely this ongoing process of adjustment.

Things change all the time as it is; if you have additional changes on top of the regular serving it can be a bit much.  So maybe it really IS like thinking, ok, perhaps this snake will find enough in the huge wild around us to leave the garden ungobbled and I therefore do not have to intrude on the pattern just yet.  And finding the beauty and balance in simply paying attention and letting things BE.  Just as when things change hugely in life,  and stuff that was always there just is not, and will not be, there.  You have to let go of the panic and what-to-do-ness, let go of the inner critic who is letting you know in no uncertain terms that you’ve made another gargantuan cockup of things.  You have to trust yourself.  This takes time and of course we never know, do we? just whether we did the right thing or not.  Everything radiates out and has influences and results we don’t see or dream of, possibly.  But doing no harm seems to be the right place to start- and it includes doing no harm to yourself.   The lesson now seems to be unravelling what exactly that means.

The Now, with circus music

The eternal now, right Gentle Reader?  We strive to stay out of the future and ahead of the past, and then…..just when you think it’s safe to get out of bed/work/do anything….BAAAAYYYYYYYAAMMMMMMM!!!

There are complexities in our living situation which I have not touched upon, and since all roads lead to Rome and all happy families are the same, it may not matter much about the actual details.  However.  Suffice it to say that a Hummer has manifested in our “neighborhood”.  Regularly blaring out Ranchero music at something over 150 decibels.  In consistent, if unpredictable, lengthy dreadful driving all over then parking at the top of a hill for maximum effect sequences.  It actually woke me out of a (let’s face it: torpor) deep sleep early one morning.  I found myself sitting up with my heart pounding and the glassware rattling.  In that moment I recalled my friend saying, just the prior week, jeez, isn’t it amazing? Ranchero music!  I can’t stand it but I love it, it reminds me of living in (—–).   I have never found Ranchero’s circus-like cadence appealing, to be honest.  Mariachis at least allow my mind to drift back to Mexico City, and the lyrics are always interesting.    This stuff? Not so much.  In fact, at this particular early AM juncture it made me want to take the shotgun, go across the road, and blow the Hummer and its musical apparatus to kingdom come with an imagined expert perfect shot.  Since I didn’t have my glasses on that was a complete non-starter.  Since, also, the heat deep fried the CD player, finding something special like the Thai Elephant Orchestra, or Maria Callas, or AC/DC, or the Eels, or one of my personal favorites: Now Go Away, to blast out the front door wasn’t an option either.  Once again, I had to Grow Up.

The additional fun thing about it was of course that the owner of the property which is the current resting place of said Hummer and mad radio operator, when asked to step in and establish some ground rules, essentially refused.  He’s afraid of his tenant the Hummer Man as it turns out.

So.  I had to really analyze what the issue was here.  It is the same issue that runs through everything else, on some level.  Nobody wants to do the right thing.  An element of the bad enters a situation, people either think it doesn’t concern them (wrong) or they’re afraid (silly), or they don’t want to be bothered (wrong).  The entire situation degrades, and each intrusion of crud just brings it lower. In our particular locale, people need to be mindful of this sooner rather than later.   In this specific case, this behavior made me feel completely disrespected, as in I am minding my own business and working away- why must someone eviscerate my peace and quiet?   This is why I’m really glad I didn’t storm out and demand action – because on some level, everyone in this case feels disrespected and nobody wants to step forward and initiate cooperation.  Being angry about it would just provoke conflict, which of course is at least a bit of the original intention.  People manifest the discomfort they feel within externally, thinking this will save them pain.  Anyone who disagrees with the behavior encounters the wrath of the discomfort manifester.  Standers by may feign total unawareness of the scene.  You might call it Barfight Syndrome.  Or bullying.

And here we have the bigger picture of life today.  I’m working out in my small but active mind what to say to all involved, remembering a story about the Buddha which I have struggled to understand and implement.  It’s the one where he’s teaching someplace and some complete jerk just interferes, heckles- well, you know.  Plays his Ranchero music really, really loud.  The Buddha asks the man if he can ask him a question, and getting a yes to that says, if I wanted to give you a gift and you didn’t want to take it, who would it belong to?  To me still, the heckler responded patronizingly.  Yes, the Buddha said.  And even knowing that, I cannot accept your abuse.  There is a way, then, to stop the rain of B.S.- you just have to stay calm and in what is true for you.   So as soon as I get my current Donald Duck tone out of  voice and posture, we’ll attempt just that.

Meanwhile in more uplifting news, I saw a brand new baby calf the other day, just arrived.  The calf and mom were nose to nose with each other, calf glistening, mom breathing calmly over its little head.  It was the most wonderful thing I’ve seen in a while.  Then, last fall’s potatoes that didn’t quite grow? Have sprouted full force, as has some red romaine from the same time.  The rabbits are back and the bluebirds give us doses of BLUE all day long.  We’re always at the balance point, the knife edge, of everything.  There is also hope and faith that is produced by a lengthy relationship with another human, and here I speak of The Partner.  We have our conflicts, to be sure.  They feel devastating- similar to Mr. Hummer’s effects.  But when one can remain calm and not react to the initial GIANT THING THAT’S PISSING ME OFF- miracles do happen.  The bigger picture shows itself and, as usual.  Really, no reason for too much worry.  Now, to tell that to my chest.

Moving through the years

We’ve been going at our usual breakneck pace.  Serious injury has been avoided so far which really is something given the fact that all the knives have been deciding to leap off counters and out of drawers and dance around, landing between toes.

It’s winter here now.  We actually had a Fall this year, our very first one here.  It was LOVELY.  Several days of 70 degree weather, which usually one only sees at midnight in July.  Liveable nights in the low 50’s.  Golden and flame colored leaves against lion colored grasses- oddly, a new batch of tiny cows and goats as well.  We saw some tee-tiny newby lambs yesterday and wondered- it was very windy and very cold and they were just sitting on the ground like a series of tiny balls.   The two brown sheep who live by us on the road into town, however, are now looking like enormous fuzzy blocks.  Last year they simply looked to be a couple of hassocks set under a tree, but this year somehow their unshorn wool has grown into square shapes on each of them and it is pretty amazing.  Would I love to get my hands on that wool? What a color; intoxicating.  Maybe that’s why they don’t get sheared; it’s just too nice looking into that mass of chocolate.

In the meantime, I have arrived at a tiny bit of hope.  The world is travelling through perilous times and energies at present and everyone feels it, whether they know what it is or not.  But.  I realized that the things that seem the most threatening- the politics, the intense polarized stupidity, the nonsensical “statements” made by “officials”, and let us not leave out the religious fanatics and continuing loyal members of the flat earth society- all those things actually mean, I think, that the individuals holding these views and manifesting these actions?  Are doing so out of fear of the changes that cannot be avoided.  Since Nature moves forward, inevitably, this drag back group is not going to prevail in the end.  This gave me a very tiny measure of calm.  Which is much needed at this point, let’s just say.

In other exciting news, the frogs/toads are singing their heads off preparatory to going into their little holes and sleeping through the cold.  We have a mountain lion that rests for a time each night right outside our front door (by the woodstove, as it happens).  And!  The bear is back, judging from the frequent scat sightings.  It’s a full life, just right there.

Needles and Haystacks

I woke up thinking about driving this morning.  As it relates to mood.  AS in, we’re all on this journey and quite often we’re out there seeking our objectives which are, as the Partner remarked, like needles in haystacks.  So I thought about the drive we took on my birthday, during which we both realized we were in fact on a Quest for something that we’ll only know when we find it.  Namely, a place to Be.  Which, in this particular event, we didn’t find although we did see a fantastic pair of cranes rising up from a pond, which was quite wonderful enough.

Then I thought about how one’s moods and feelings, or more specifically mine, go up and down and all over the place.  At another challenging juncture in my life, I often found myself driving in a particular place by Santa Cruz with Henry the canary.  I was in my recently dead husband’s car and had my recently dead best friend’s canary in the passenger seat.  We were in a place we both liked, a long road that went way up and way down but gently, with long swooping passages of both and lots of green on one side, the ocean on the other.  Henry would be swinging back and forth on his swing, singing along to his favorite part of DON GIOVANNI (where the Commendatore bursts through the wall on that gigantic horse) and we’d just….drive.  Somehow that made me feel able to carry on.  This morning as I thought about how excited I get about plans and potentials now, then shortly thereafter hopes appear dashed, it occurred to me that really it is all very much like those drives with Henry.  Long stretches where it seems as though nothing happens but it really does.  Often our own efforts at “making” something transpire do nothing more than keep us in a holding position.   It’s a delicate balance between intention and right action and there is actually more time spent quietly observing than you might ever expect.

As I watch the people around me go through all the things they go through, I’m struck over and over by a couple of things.  One, we all do a LOT to avoid feeling our feelings.  Two, reality and time really are fluid and there is a lot of both in ways we are not trained to see.  When the phrase “you create your own reality” comes up, it really is true.   You can, indeed, choose your focus and proceed accordingly.  Then it becomes a matter of acting from the impulses of your heart and not from those of your fear.  This procedure seems to be one of ongoing and at times apparently insurmountable difficulty.   It is so easy for us to lose touch with the basic reality of our interconnectedness.   When we are able to operate from that basis it really is easier even if as we are practicing it, so to speak, it seems harder.   All those opinions and sheltering protective Attitudes! When the reality of it in a huge way is that we are all one, beating, universal heart.  I wonder why we are often so far from that.  Then I remember how often I stifle myself from giving someone the finger on the freeway or visualizing something even more intense for them.  This from someone who, in a way, falls in love with every client every time because when I work with them, I “see” them and that, in the end, turns out to be the biggest reward I could ever have received.  So we’ll see what happens on these swooping ups and downs, Gentle Reader, shall we?