Of Cabbages, Kings, and the Great Unknown

As usual, so much has happened I feel as though I got run over by a freight train.  Yet, of course, things are still the same, as is their underlying custom.  Today I woke up with the strong awareness that, finally, progress is being made.  I’m letting go of the past in the sense that I realize so much of it is just an encumbrance, baggage.  So much of what we do in youth, so much of what we learn and think, is far enough off the mark it’s amazing any of us make it.   The things that last, that work, come out of Love.  You can throw hormones in with it, yes, Gentle Reader, I’m not THAT draconian, but they just can’t be in the driver’s seat and neither, solely, can your brain- it has to be your heart.

Yesterday we went to town and passed the Green Pastures of the Lambs and Kids.  This makes me deliriously happy every time we go by, and this trip was no exception.  The pair of baby goats I’ve had my eye on this month were close by the road, and it was chow time.  Their happiness was like a huge wave moving out from them and you simply could not resist smiling and letting a big breath go.  There was HIGH SPEED TAIL WAGGING and JUMPING and SMILING and mom going, DON’T JOSTLE THERE’S ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY and MORE JUMPING and enough tail wagging overall to power the yurt.  It was total joy.

Which was good because it balanced out the near death experience we had on the way home, following behind a no doubt certifiable, total idiot with a pickup full of garbage and an empty trailer waving all over the road- de rigeur for these parts.  The driving was worse than average, however, which means it was like something out of a horror movie.  Suddenly I found myself in a Spinning Subaru, whizzing around curves and spraying gravel.   While a bit peeved at the Partner for his impatience with the idiot but still in admiration of his skills as a wheelman, I wasn’t scared and in fact read the new Newsweek through a good bit of the rotation.

Later on, he complimented me for my increased patience with such excitements, and that made me think.  We’ve been together for a few years, and even with our (nightmarishly) challenging beginning,  the constant (incredibly close) proximity now and the (eye wateringly difficult) Things We Go Through Every Dratted Day, not excluding the periodic Cross Words, I am filled with gratitude.  Because of him, I’ve been able to make changes that were heretofore not possible- or that’s what I thought.  When you are around someone who respects themselves, completely respects you, respects what you believe, respects the work you do, and ON TOP OF ALL THAT? loves you too?  It can finally sink in to all those places nothing else ever reached.  And you, too, will be wagging your tail and jumping up in the air like those splendid little goats do.  At least, that’s what I’ve found.    So, no matter how frightened and anxious I get about things, which is plenty, and no matter how the world seems to be careening ever further out of balance, which is also plenty (and in my face- but again, even name changes won’t be enough of a disguise since nobody could make this stuff around here up),  I get closer every day to really understanding what compassion means, closer to living in compassion and from a place of love instead of fear.  Closer to understanding what that means, and closer to knowing that really, I don’t know a thing.  It’s kind of a relief, really, even WITH chest pain.   If you click on the link below, it’ll all make a lot more sense to you, too:


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